3 Things We’d Tell Any Couple Starting Out.

Kristy and I have been together since 2006. In that time, we’ve experienced a lot of stuff. Some great, some not so great. One thing we love doing is sharing what we’ve learned so far with anyone who could use it.

In this post we’re sharing 3 things we’d share with any couple who is just starting out and it they can help transform their relationship too.

The path to our relationship was not the smooth and flawless road most couples dream of. When I first started to develop feelings for Kristy, we had a few hurdles to overcome if things were going to work out. Things like:

• I was a youth leader and Kristy was still a High School senior (youth leaders dating students is frowned upon pretty heavily in most churches…lol)
• Kristy was in a serious relationship
• Kristy was about to head off to college hours away from where I lived
• I was about to turn 21 and Kristy had just recently turned 18 (Now that I’m a Dad, I can see a few flags I’d have about this with my own daughter)

But, in spite of these and a few other hurdles, one of the things we learned quickly is the things in life we want most are rarely ones that also come easy. For us, that’s really lesson number 1

ONE: Some things are worth going for even if they’re hard. 

As I look back on our relationship, most of the things we are proud of are also the things we had to work really, really hard for. Our relationship being what it is today is no exception.

We fought through a long distance relationship, working in ministry together before we were married, paying our own ways through college, and a number of other things.

What we decided early on though was that this relationship was worth the work. It was worth the effort. We wanted to be together and there wasn’t anything in the world we would let get in the way.

I still remember feeling incredibly nervous and scared one night as we took a walk around the neighborhood near my house. It was a couple weeks before Kristy would move away for college. We had only been dating for a few weeks and the decision to date long distance vs. end the relationship was coming quick.

I decided I wanted to have the conversation and tell Kristy I wasn’t willing to let her go. I was worried I was the only one who felt this way, but I knew I was ready to fight for her.

“I’m not trying to scare you or anything, but you need to know something. You’re the kind of person I want to spend my life with. I’m not asking you ‘THE QUESTION’ right now, but I am telling you, that if you don’t want to be together, you’re the one that will have to end it. Because as far as I’m concerned…I’m not leaving for anything”

I remember the smile she gave and I can still hear her say, “Well, that’s good news because I’m not leaving for anything either. So, I guess we’re just gonna be stuck with each other huh?”

I smiled and we walked hand in hand the rest of the way. We’ve never let go since.

TWO: Lay a strong foundation from the start.

After navigating the waters of a long distance relationship, dating and ministry, and a number of other challenges we felt we were pretty well prepared for marriage.

In 2009 Kristy and I got married and with all the hope and excitement in the world. We naively walked into our first few years of marriage not knowing everything those first few years would bring.

We took premarital counseling and we felt like we had a lot more going for us than most couples in our position normally do. But then reality set in. We faced financial crisis, job loss, family deaths, struggles to finish college, pregnancy, and a lot more all in the first few years of marriage.

One thing we did well amidst the many things we did NOT do well was take time to focus on our foundation. We spent a lot of time talking through the issues as they happened. Then, after resolving the tension, we would strategize ways to avoid falling into the same trap all over again at a later time.

This takes humility and trust. If you don’t have those then it’s probably going to be tough sledding.

I thank God that even in the moments where we both were recovering from hurts and confusion as a result of conflict we each chose humility and trust as primary character traits to lean on when creating a strategy to avoid these problems later.

Our foundation in the midst of conflict became humility, trust, and curiosity. We still rely on these a lot today, because even 9 years later we are still often encountering conflict.

We practice these traits by asking questions, being honest, and reaffirming our love and commitment to one another in the face of hard times.

THREE: Be the best teammate for one another.

Not long ago Kristy and I began coaching our girls’ soccer teams. It was a bunch of 4-6 year old girls, most of whom had never played soccer before.

The majority of the time we were coaching girls who would rather practice their ballet moves during a game, complain about shin-guards being too “itchy” and jump out of the way of the ball instead of trying to make a goal.

Sure, we had some ringers on the team, but in the league we coached, the score was always “Fun to Fun!”

One thing Kristy and I decided to implement right away was a goal that these girls would walk away at the end of the season and LOVE the game of soccer (even more than when they first started. Sure, we wanted to teach some of the skills and rules to the game, but we wanted them to just love the game.

For us, a big part of loving the game is loving who you’re playing it with. That’s why at the start of every practice we would go through a bunch of stretches and warm up exercises in a circle.

While we stretched and warmed up, we would ask each girl to take a turn saying their name and then answering the “Question of the day!!!”. If you’re wondering if they said their name all season long at every practice, the answer is YES! We were awful at names and this helped us out a lot!

Every practice the girls looked forward to the time we would stretch and talk. Sometimes the questions was “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor” or “What’s your favorite animal?” other times it was simply “What was the best part and the hardest part of your week”. The answers were rarely earth shattering but it brought us together.

The other thing we did was any time one of the girls scored a goal we had every girl (even if they were on the sidelines) high five 2-3 team mates. We taught the girls that every goal scored is a team goal. In soccer no one plays alone and no goal is scored without some kind of help from others (some of you cynics are trying to come up with a scenario…save it, I don’t actually care – I’m right)

Every game we’d have at least one goal, and every game our girls would high five one another. What’s great about that is, we typically had only 2 or 3 girls who ever took shots for the team, but each week EVERY girl felt like they scored!

Here’s how this relates to marriage. As you progress in a relationship the temptation you have to stop learning about one another is really strong. You begin to believe you don’t need to just sit across from your teammate (i.e. spouse) and just learn about them, hear about their day, and process the week with them. Don’t do this.

Also, we have a real tendency to not celebrate together. To not be the biggest fan of our teammate. When we can’t rely on the one person we’ve committed our lives to as the person who cheers loudest for us, then what’s left?

Every couple needs to know that their partner is their biggest fan. They are there for every high five, every cheer, every up and every down. It’s the two of you together, forever. And, if that’s true we might as well make it a great thing right?